Firstly, as many of you are preparing for an impromptu bank holiday due to our departed Queen, some of the wider Cryptians family are preparing to say their own goodbyes. I refer of course to Rich Blakeway, a former club captain who sadly passed away recently and his funeral is this Tuesday 20th. The wake will be at the club from 12pm onwards and all who remember him, played with him or just wish to pay your respects, then you will be welcome.

But to start this month’s ramble, an apology. After the first game of the season against Brockworth I was messaged, called and spoken to for my dismal and frankly rubbish commentary on the match. Apparently, there were no videos, no pictures, a distinct lack of informative information, but worst of all, there was no old farts man of the match awarded.

However, in my defence, the awarding of a OFMoM award is a difficult exercise as it requires the collating of votes from various old farts who have remembered to come and watch the game. But it’s an exercise like herding cats. Even though I’ve already spoken to them at the 60 mins mark to remind them, that whistle goes, and they disappear and hide. If I do catch one the usual answer is ‘ooh I don’t know. All the while Kipling is on my case for a decision.

Anyway, that doesn’t explain the lack of commentary on that game and for that I’m sorry, whilst the missing MoM award was eventually awarded to Dan Tyler by someone sat on the patio, so all was well. But it was suggested that if I didn’t improve, I could bugger off to another club, as apparently a replacement with experience had already been lined up. But luckily for me, Kenny said he was too busy to do it. Still, I’ve taken my verbal warnings seriously and I’m now committed to delivering a much better commentary with more pictures, more videos and better spelling.

That started with our game at Hucclecote and continued with the visit of Cheltenham Sarries where we recorded two good wins. Now whilst I may not know most of the new players yet as my suggestion of name tags for them all has been largely ignored, I am getting there. But I am pleased to say that whoever he are they are showing the same great character and a never say die attitude shown by sides before. This of course is encouraging for the season ahead.

Moving on, and at the top of the game of rugby, you’ll find well paid and physically honed athletes, whereas slightly further down the leagues, you’ll find people with the same commitment and values, but perhaps with a slightly slower turn of pace and a larger waistline, and who do it for the love of getting muddy on a Saturday afternoon. This is especially true of the front row society where unlike their premiership counterparts, want to get on with it and not waste their limited energy on resetting the scrum time after time.

However, this is a frustrating part of the professional game and I’ve learnt that a revolution is underway at Twickenham. In a ‘Babble’ exclusive I can confirm that news is seeping out of the home of Rugby that confirms the powers that be are ready to make the biggest rule change in the Sport since the practice of striking your opponent’s balls was banned some years ago.
Scrums could soon be a thing of the past. The developments follow the start of the new premiership season and internationals where up to 65 minutes of playing time was taken up with the taking and re-taking of scrums, a sizeable increase on last year.

The debate began at a midnight meeting held last Sunday at the M5 Gloucester Services where key RFU decision makers and officials, along with their secretaries convened over Gloucester sausage and sustainable coffee. The revolutionary step of banning the scrum is being discussed in the interest of keeping spectators awake.
Randolph Sebastian Archibald Danvers-Smith-Smith, head of the RFU's 'Keep the Ozzie’s out of English rugby’ campaign said, 'I don't know about you, but we've had enough. It’s just not on. I mean what’s the point of a scrum lasting nearly five minutes before its executed properly, only to then see the ball kicked ten metres into touch, and don’t get me started on the medic running on to help replace a contact lens in the middle of it all.

If all a man's going to see is front rows shrugging their shoulders at the ref and trying to look innocent and the refs themselves barking, ‘right We'll do it again or ‘sort it out or someone’s going to the bin’ then the best thing for all of us will be to see if we can have a quick nap. I know some of the spectators are already at it if they’ve not already found the bar'.

Leigh Smith, a retired Cryptians front row forward was up in arms about the proposal. ‘I’ve said for years that front rows these days are nowhere near as hard as they used to be and they need toughening up he growled’, but I can see that the younger guys will welcome the change as It'll be their chance to keep their ears normal. For me, it won't make a bean of difference as mine turned to wet crumpets long ago.'

Euan Brice, Cryptians (injured) first team prop disagreed saying that props these days, unlike the old farts of yesteryear are now required to run around and make tackles. It’s all too much and change is long overdue he cried. He added that I shouldn’t listen to a thing Smithy says as he’s a miserable sod. Another first team front row Jake Kellaway said, ‘why you asking me? I hate scrummaging at the best of times, but shouldn’t we be talking about the amount of kicking in the game by those flash good looking buggers in the backs? and by the way, I wouldn’t believe a thing Bricey says.

Other front rowers within the club were sought for comment but it was soon learnt that they’d already left the clubhouse for the chance of a pull in Butlers before the backs got there. Although, a senior member of the club who wished to remain anonymous said 'I think the idea is crazy'. 'Our strength in this area is well known. It's one of the ways to get us back up there and hopefully, we'll get to the point where the game will only consist of resetting scrums. That way we’ll be able to regain the top spot without having to do anything on the pitch in open play.

It’s all a bit tongue in cheek of course but it is all a little annoying. The scrum may well be a dangerous place and many rule changes over the years have made it much safer. You only need to look at videos of scrums back in the 70s and 80s to see the difference, but at least then the scrums were quick, they formed, engaged, the ball was fed in, there was no messing.

So, is the reason for it tactics, or maybe another timewasting ploy as seen in a recent international. Whilst nowhere near as bad as football, it’s not good to watch and should be stopped unless of course Smithy has a point

I wonder what Rich Blakeway would have made of it all.

God bless his soul.