This week the sacred duty of match report correspondent was passed to someone with the necessary flair, wit, and willingness to spell people’s names wrong. How fitting, then, that the OCs finally notched their first and much-deserved win of the season. With an average age of just 24, a young and exciting squad of lads was selected to get the job done.

Pre Match Antics

The build up was filled with optimism. Even Captain Rob “Hamstring Roulette” Trigg believed he might survive 80 minutes. The changing room buzzed with anticipation, partly from excitement, partly because of the re-emergence of Euean Bryce and Duncan Adams, and also because Brandon Trigg had turned up on time.

Fresh faces returned to the squad: Ryan “Boules Before Backs” Preedy, Will Trumper (no longer under a weekend of romantic obligations), and Laurence Leet, all of whom immediately raised the squad’s average elegance by a considerable percentage. Balancing this out were Euean Bryce and Cam Ryder Jones, who reminded us that yes, beards can distract from hairline issues, but not completely.

On the sidelines, OCs’ loyal travelling fans gathered, mostly to pester Tom Brind about his injury and to listen to Reever lecture them about how hamstrings are, in fact, a myth.

The First Half, The Forest of Chop Tackles

The game kicked off with both sides testing the waters: Berry Hill through big carries, OCs through wasting opportunities in the red zone. It was essentially 20 minutes of tree felling impressions with chop tackles everywhere.

Berry Hill struck first via a penalty, (3-0), but OCs hit back when Rob Trigg tapped and wriggled his way over the line, hamstring miraculously still attached. Will Trumper missed the kick thanks to a mysterious wind which, according to coach Josh Flounders, only affects people taller than 6 foot 2. Meteorologists remain baffled. (3-5).

Then came some proper rugby. Rueben Millward bulldozed through defenders, setting up a slick backs move finished by Will Trumper, who decided beating three men in a 10 metre space was the sensible option. Conversion good, the wind had mysteriously gone on tea break. (3-12).

Half time arrived with Berry Hill bashing away, but OCs held firm. Meanwhile, Euean had already broken into his energy reserves and was assessed to see if the bench could support his full weight. Medical clearance: just about.

The Second Half, Chaos, Chops and Chocolate Bars

Berry Hill came out flying, mauled over for a converted try (10-12), and began bullying the scrum. OCs’ frustration levels rose faster than Brandon Trigg’s, recently introduced, tackle count.

Cue chaos. Ryan Preedy hoofed the ball deep, Will Trumper engaged turbo mode, and in a blur of limbs and questionable physics, grounded it just before the dead ball line. (10- 17).

Duncan, playing against his old club, threw himself about with the enthusiasm of a man who had been out the night before. Tom Rees almost bundled over, Rueben carried like a man possessed until an ankle injury ended his day, and Euean was lured back into the scrum with the promise of a chocolate bar.

A slick backs move later, Tom Rees dotted down in the corner. Conversion good. (10-24). Surely done and dusted? No.

Berry Hill nicked a dubious try, the referee was approximately three postcodes away when he awarded it, making it (17-24).

But George “Baby Rhino” Price carried like a man trying to bulldoze a zoo fence, winning a penalty. Trigg pointed at the posts, Trumper slotted it. (17-27)

The final minutes were Berry Hill hammering away with mauls, scrums, and sheer stubbornness, but the OCs’ defence held. Whistle blown. Job done.

Post Match Wisdom

Cue delight, beers, and spag bol. An impromptu interview with Euean Bryce, still sweaty, still loud, still unsure of lung collapse, capped it all off.
Naturally, the endearingly named club Old Farts, Kenny and Kev, were on hand to offer their usual pearls of wisdom: slight horror at paying for entry, a few sharp words for Tom Brind (who heroically covered the match on WhatsApp), and a harsh suggestion that maybe his post match meal should involve salad.

A fitting metaphor: this win was indeed like a side salad. Fresh, crisp, and not the main course, but proof there is more tasty stuff to come. Onto next week’s cup fixture back on home turf.

POTM: Reuben Millward
DOTD: Duncan Adams