With more than 15 players unavailable for various reasons (V-Festival alone claimed an entire front row), the 23 man squad included a good mixture of players from different teams within the club and saw a few new players making their debuts against a side who will play their league rugby in Southern Counties North this season – 3 levels above our First XV.

A typical August Saturday greeted both teams as dark clouds over head, combined with a formidable wind wreaked early havoc when the ball was in the air.

The opening ten minutes was a shambolic display of rugby from both teams, who were clearly struggling with the annual pre-season rustiness. Lots of missed tackles and basic handling errors from both teams saw possession constantly changing hands.

It was Swindon College that made the first breakthrough in the game. A simple backs move from a scrum on the 22 saw the fly-half glide through some weak tackles to score under the posts. The conversion attempt was tragic as he misread the wind and failed to even reach the posts!

Old Cryptians 0-5 Swindon College Old Boys

Cryptians hit back quickly through centre Callum Drury who was unorthodox in his choice of clothing, wearing ankle socks rather than rugby socks as he allegedly couldn't fit into his boots with them on. A good line from deep saw him mow down his opposite number on the way to the try line. Drury converted his own score.

Old Cryptians 7-5 Swindon College Old Boys

It was good to see Tom Batten back playing and even better to see he hasn't found a cure for his short man syndrome. Two highlights include a kick to the backside of an Old Boy lying on the wrong side of the ruck; and the world’s most horrific hand-off when Batten forgot he was playing rugby and instead swung a right hook to the jaw of the winger who went down quicker than Jordan on a Friday night.

On the subject of boxing, Swindon College Old Boys' Number 8 was the spitting image of former World Heavyweight Champion, Nikolai Valuev and had the exact same build. A recurring sight for the spectators was him running along with at least two Cryptian players clinging on to him, trying to bring the man-mountain down. He was Swindon's most dangerous player, but was kept at bay well by good defence from the back row of Mike Simmonds and Ryan Dunne who brought him down before he had any chance to build any momentum.

A second try for Cryptians came through debutant winger Dan Wixey, who collected the ball out wide from a scrum 10 metres out and danced around his opposite winger, as if he was cutting some shapes in Liquid, to score in the corner. The conversion was missed by Drury.

HALF TIME: Old Cryptians 12-5 Swindon College Old Boys

The second half saw a significant improvement in playing standard as both teams managed to brush off the early cobwebs. Old Boys nearly scored straight from the restart, only for the outside-centre to butcher a simple 2-on-1 with only the full-back to beat.

Another attack from deep from Old Boys was only stopped by some brilliant work from Gareth Flounders who managed to rip the ball from the winger whilst jumping in the air.

The first five minutes was all Old Boys and they nearly scored in the corner when the backs threw it out wide, only for Dan Wixey to rise like a tin of John West Tuna (Ed: what EJ?????) to pluck the ball out of the air and prevent a certain try. Several minutes later Old Boys were through on the same wing only for Ash Bawden to come flying out of the Mists of Avalon (Ed: how much had you had to drink at this point EJ?????) to make a crucial try-saving tackle. The ongoing attack from Old Boys eventually saw the scrum-half dive over from a scrum, but the try went unconverted.

Old Cryptians 12-10 Swindon College Old Boys

Cryptians grabbed two tries in as many minutes, with Bawden heavily involved in both. The first saw Jake Summerell throw a perfectly timed pass out to Bawden who had run from deep and cut a sensational line, bisecting the Old Boys' back-line and sprinting through untouched under the posts. Drury added the extras.

Old Cryptians 19-10 Swindon College Old Boys

For the last try of the game, Cryptians passed the ball all the way across the pitch and Bawden drew the final man to send over James Bluett in the corner. Bluett did his best to butcher the try by falling over backwards and not initially placing the ball down. Drury missed the touchline conversion.

FULL TIME: Old Cryptians 24-10 Swindon College Old Boys

A few highlights from the game worth mentioning include:

Liam Ward making his comeback after 20 months out with a knee injury and lasting 40 minutes without getting injured.
Ryan Dunne making some big carries, some crunching tackles and generally throwing himself around the park. He could be a real bonus to the team at Number 8 this season with displays like that.
All three Flounders brothers playing at the same time and managing not to get into a fight.
Chris Kent and Adam Proverbs rekindling the formidable second row partnership.
Coach James King back playing in a Cryptians shirt with a solid all round performance.

It was generally a solid all-round performance, considering so many players were missing (including an entire first-team front row) and that it was the first game of the season.

Coach James King will be looking to build on this solid start when the club hosts Hucclecote this Thursday in the next pre-season friendly, kick-off at 7pm. Hucclecote will ply their trade in Gloucester Premier this season. so this will be another tough test against a side several divisions higher in the league pyramid. Hopefully the V-Festival goers will have returned safely, recovered from the excesses of the weekend, found their clothes and steeled themselves for jokes about chipolatas.

EJ McGILL

Old Cryptians RFC

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